small pieces of joy

pieces of joy in each day

letter

on November 21, 2013

Today’s small thing: a letter to Dad

It is hard to let grief happen. I think I’ve done a great job of pretending I’m handling things well and letting myself cry when I need to and all that. But I really think I’ve been doing just enough to make it through the day.

Let’s be honest, if I really let it happen, I wouldn’t leave my bed all day. And I’d need to buy a box of Kleenex every minute.

I just don’t feel at all like me, and it makes it hard to do anything well. So I’m making some small steps to let myself really feel and hopefully get more in touch with what’s going on.

Yesterday I had a long video chat with a friend who also lost her father recently. We spent time telling our stories, sharing our feelings, and helping each other try to make some sort of sense of what is going on. It was a mini grief support session, and it was so so good.

It really isn’t fun talking about this, and feeling yucky all the time. But knowing that she gets it and that my feelings weren’t ridiculous helped me start to be ok with sharing them or letting them out of my interior.

Thinking about that conversation yesterday I was sitting down to write more in my book when I got an inspiration to write a letter to Dad. Letters are a wonderful thing. You get to talk with the recipient without having them talk back. It is a chance to let it all out without getting immediate feedback.  I’ve had so many thoughts swimming in my head about this whole situation, and I guess the best thing I could think of was to let Dad know about it through writing.

So I started a letter to him, telling him all about what I’m going through and the things I want him to know.

photo

There is a pool of tears on the floor below me, by the way. But now I’m not mulling over these million thoughts all the time in my head. They are in a document outside of myself, leaving more room for other things in my head.

It is a good start. And the letter will continue, of course. And the pool of tears.

But that is OK.

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5 responses to “letter

  1. Teri Kelly says:

    What wonderful idea to write a letter to your dad.

    Like

  2. Grandma says:

    Kari, I wish I could fix it for you, it makes me sad to think you are having such a sad time of it since your Dad passed away. I do know your Dad would not like for you to be sad and would fix it if he could. Just think that you would not want him to be here in the shape he was in and try to be thankful God saw fit to not prolong his illness. I know it is hard as I too have moments when I am sad especially at the middle of the night when I awake and can not go back to sleep. I will pray for you to have the strength to overcome and take pleasure in little George and Jonathan, we are so,looking forward to seeing you next week. Take care sweet girl we love you, Grandma and Papa.

    Like

    • Kari says:

      Aw thanks, Grandma. I think it is ok for me to be sad. I am very happy that he isn’t suffering. I’m just sad that he’s not here with us anymore.

      Like

  3. Kathy Flentie says:

    Kari – tears here, too, that are for you. All my love and prayers,
    Kathy F.

    Like

  4. Keith Kennedy says:

    Yup. I cried last night when they showed a video of boys talking about joining scouts.

    Like

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