small pieces of joy

pieces of joy in each day

lost

on May 26, 2014

Grief makes me feel so lost sometimes.

I don’t know what I want to do, where I want to go, or even how I feel. It is like I’m walking through an open field in my head with no compass or map, just wandering, wishing for something familiar, to find ‘me’ again.

And in this field I get blindsided by moments of deep, deep sadness.

Saturday was a wonderful day. I started to feel a little less lost and a little more normal. We ran errands as a family and enjoyed lots of quality play time and talk time. Nothing that day really reminded me of Dad so the sadness was hovering but didn’t land.

Sunday started off not too bad. Jonathan and I did lots of business talk about Jonathan’s new position at ND. He’s no longer a student and now a staff member! But when we started talking about health insurance the sadness landed. Hard.

My first instinct was to call Dad. Since he worked in the health insurance business, he knew the ins and outs and was my go-to whenever I had questions.

I couldn’t call him.

I knew the big things in this year would hurt. I knew on birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries we would be extra sad. But it is the small things, the little everyday things that were so easy to do, so simple, that really take the air out of my chest.

I can’t call Dad. I can’t ask him simple questions. When I video chat with my family I still hope to see him walk by the camera and say hi, or yell from his chair in the living room, giving his two cents.

It’s not fair. And sometimes it doesn’t seem real. I should be able to call my dad. I should be able to see him, hug him, ask for advice.  It’s not what I wanted from this life, to lose someone so important so soon. I wish he was still here.

I was not really prepared for these little things to hurt so bad. 

Since Sunday afternoon I’ve been back to feeling lost, roaming that field in my head, looking for something to lift me up.

As I was composing my thoughts for this post, I was reminded of a song that really spoke to me a while ago. I felt like most of the song was Dad singing to me. I listened to the song while reading the lyrics and it calmed my heart, just for a little bit. These words, especially, touched me.

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you’ve gone crazy
But you’re not
Things have seemed to change
There’s one thing that’s still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly fly fly away

‘Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we’ll get lost together
‘Til the light comes pouring through
‘Cause when you feel like you’re done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you’re not lost
When the world’s crashing down
And you can not bear the cross
I said, baby, you’re not lost”

Lost by Michael Buble

 

Thanks, Dad. I know that it is painful and I’m going to suffer through many more times where the missing you penetrates my being, but I am happy to know you are with me. Even if it isn’t the way I wish it could be.

 

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6 responses to “lost

  1. Kate says:

    Yes! What a perfect description of grief and how it can catch you off guard sometimes. Thank you- you put words to how I was feeling today.

    Like

    • Kari says:

      Thank you for your comment, Kate! Many days it is hard to put into words how I feel, but I’m glad I was able to do that today. It is good to know that someone else understands. Sending hugs to you and your family.

      Like

  2. No doubt Kari, the absence of someone you loved is a hole. But you ended your writing by saying that he is with you, so your head knows the truth that his love, wisdom and presence is forever and always. Being blindsided is when what your head knows and how your heart feels clash with each other. Hang in there.

    Like

    • Kari says:

      “Being blindsided is when what your head knows and how your heart feels clash with each other.”

      Such wise words and incredibly true. Thank you for the support, I can’t express how much it helps.

      Like

  3. I meant include this YouTube video….I think music heals a broken heart and I know you love music. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaCvTM4cTyo Check it out.

    Like

    • Kari says:

      I love this song. We sang it at church on Sunday, actually. And this version was really nice, especially since I’ve not heard a concert band play it before. Thanks for sharing.

      Like

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