small pieces of joy

pieces of joy in each day

brokenhearted

on August 5, 2014

 

Yesterday was a rough day.

I was crying on and off almost the entire day and I really couldn’t pinpoint one specific reason except for I was really missing Dad.

The past few weeks have been full of memories from last year so I have been reading through my journal entries and blog posts. It has been good to remember all the great things we were able to do as a family and experience. But is has been sad to remember really how awful things were last year.

In my saddened state I went back to Dad’s caringbridge site and began reading through the entire journey. I was so excited to read Dad’s posts because I could still hear his voice and see his face as I read his accounts of radiation and the days following. He was so positive, thankful, and was thinking of others during almost every post. That was my Dad.

My heart broke when his posts stopped and more sad, bad news posts began.

I guess I didn’t really know how heartbroken I really am. Or I didn’t let myself feel it. But last night, after shutting off my computer I just cried and cried. I kept thinking about how much I miss him. How much he went through. How horrible it must have been for him to know what was coming. Yet he stayed so positive. He couldn’t wait to beat cancer so he could go back to work! He couldn’t wait to beat it so he could pay it forward to others.

I am amazed at how we got through that difficult time. I guess because we were in the trenches we were just making it day to day in order to survive. Now I’m out of it looking in and just can’t believe what happened. I can’t believe that he won’t be coming back. And as we get closer and closer to a year of him being gone, it will feel ever more permanent.

I don’t want to accept living in a world where Dad isn’t physically here.

But I’m going to have to.

“The Lord is near the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

As today goes on, I have been feeling better. I wrote in my journal, hashed some things out with God, and was led to that verse from Psalms.

It has been a long road, and it continues. It is rocky, sometimes smooth, winding, and contains many detours. All I can do is buckle up and keep on driving.

 

Please say a prayer for my Uncle Jeff’s father, Seymour, who passed away yesterday. He was at many family gatherings and made an impact in my life as well as many others. I know he is up in Heaven talking with Dad about insurance and telling stories with my Grandpa. 

Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.

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3 responses to “brokenhearted

  1. Keithy says:

    I went back and read his postds a while ago and I read them in Dad’s voice too! I was just talking with Kirk about how at times it feels like Dad is at camp and will come home at anytime. It is just too hard to believe he is actually never coming back.

    Like

  2. kelli says:

    All I can do is send you love, Kari. And I am. As much as I can muster. To your whole family.
    Text or call me, just so I have your number again, for in my own grief I retreated away from the world and lost it. 530.771.7730

    Like

  3. lisa Osborn says:

    our prayers are with you and all your family. Faithful is the Lord to all who call upon Him.

    Like

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