small pieces of joy

pieces of joy in each day

meeting papa

on November 16, 2017

Well hello everyone…we meet again. It has been months upon months since I’ve even clicked on my blog page. I’m so glad to be writing tonight, I’ve missed it.

Yesterday I felt an inspiration to go visit Dad at the cemetery. I know my dad’s soul is free and isn’t at the cemetery, but there is something real and tangible about making the effort to drive to the gravesite, get out of my car, walk to his marker, and spend some concentrated, purposeful time talking to Dad. It makes the ritual lover inside me feel like I’m visiting him since I can’t physically do that anymore.

I took the three kiddos with me. G is so good about this and seems to enjoy going. M just likes all the open grass areas available for her little feet to attack. And this was E’s first time.

We all sat around Dad’s marker and I told him about my new baby and introduced her to him. It totally sucks it has to be this way. I envisioned him meeting all my kids in the hospital, not amongst stones. What is even harder is I really don’t know how he would be with them. It’s been so long since George was born to remember how he was, and the brain tumor had already started its damage at that time.

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I am now at the point where I am experiencing things in my life that don’t have a string tied to dad. That makes it really difficult to know what he would do or say or think about these new situations. How would he play with the kids? What would he say about the marching band at the football game? What would he help with for my brother’s wedding?

In grief there is a lot of talk about how the firsts are the hardest. First birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas…but I’m realizing that there are many other events that are equally as hard. There are so many milestones in life that I pictured my dad experiencing with me. Now I, along with my family, am reaching these milestones without him.

This is just another step in the long journey of grief. It is not linear, nor time sensitive. There are good days, bad days, and some days that somehow fit in between. I know that it is ok to feel sad when these milestones occur…and it is also ok to feel joy with sadness.

As we left the cemetery we all waved goodbye to the gravesite and said we’d be back again soon. Things we’d say if we were visiting him on this side of heaven. Things he sees us doing from the other side.

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2 responses to “meeting papa

  1. Nancy Bandzuch says:

    Prayers, hugs. To reach those milestones without him. So hard. (and so good to see you today)

    Like

  2. Grandma Kennedy says:

    Miss him too. He is very approving of your mothering skills as so am I. You children are going to grow up and do great things because of all your efforts now.

    Like

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