finding myself

Hey all–

I’ve been a huge fan of the TV show This is Us since it began three years ago. I was skeptical because it was supposedly a good replacement show for my previous favorite Parenthood, but really how could a show replace the Bravermans?

It has far surpassed my expectations and really has become a weekly grief therapy session without me realizing it most of the time.

Last week’s episode was one of those times.

The episode focused on a character’s backstory in which we find out she lost her father when she was a teenager. As an adult she goes to visit her mother, with whom she has a difficult relationship. As she walks through the living room she stops at her dad’s empty chair, thinking about some of her last reactions with him and how he told her to never forget about her dancing passion…and through tears she talks to the empty chair saying that she did forget that part of her. And the quote that stopped me was this.

“I can’t be me without you.”

That’s when the ugly crying and sobbing began.

[And here is where I hesitate to share this because I always fear that when I talk about crying and feeling sad that many readers will believe I’m stuck in my grief. How could I still be sad, it’s been five years? Well, in this episode it had been well over five years for that character and she was still crying and missing her dad. Guess what? It’s never over. Grieving the loss of someone you love with your whole being will never be over. It will get better, it will become less painful in some ways, but nothing can fill that void when that person is gone. And yes, I know they aren’t truly gone because their soul lives on. But their physical presence is gone, and as humans we need the physical to feel connected, so it takes a lot of time and effort to reestablish the connection with the ones we’ve lost. So please remember to have compassion with grievers and remember no one really knows what anyone is truly dealing with on the inside.]

I have been searching for years to figure out myself again after losing dad. Most things connected with my dad had lost their joy. I no longer wanted to watch sports because that was my thing with dad, camping had lost its luster, listening to music nearly ceased, and many things that made me uniquely me I unconsciously stopped believing were important.

So that statement rocked me to my core. I can’t be me without my dad. He was such a huge part of me that it feels almost impossible to be who I was meant to be without him around. I’ve now been asking myself how can I find ways to bring myself back again and be mindful of how I can bring pieces of Dad with me in that discovery.

I’m going to get the piano my dad bought the family a long time ago from my mom’s house and keep it at my house. I’m going to start playing again. I’m going to start writing music again. I’m going to use these things that bring me joy to hopefully continue rebuilding my relationship with him.

I was flipping through channels last night and found the movie Hoosiers playing. Oh man did I get a big smile on my face seeing Gene Hackman make those players run.

Dad loved any and all sports movies and this one was one of his favorites. I felt so close to him as I was watching and I’m thinking of starting to watch these movies when I’m needed to feel connected. Just like I want to start doing more with music.

To feel connected to him, but more importantly to find the parts of myself that I lost when I lost him.

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