fresh air

“I go to nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in order.”

John Burroughs AMERICAN NATURALIST AND ESSAYIST

A small thing from this week–a neighborhood campout.

We moved into this neighborhood a little over a year ago, and the best part of moving to a new house was surprising to me. Yes I was excited to have our own home and all the space and amenities that came with it, but I did not factor in the possible community we would become a part of.

At one of our almost weekly bonfires in the neighbor’s yard it was discussed we could set up tents and have a neighborhood campout.

It is no surprise that I jumped on this idea. I have been trying for the past few years to find a way to get my family out to a lake to go camping but it hasn’t been in the cards. I tried once and had to bring everyone home due to a massive headache. Ever since then our summers have gotten busy quickly and without AC the heat is a big deterrent!

Sleeping weather looked good for Friday night so I committed, and with the help of our neighbors we set up five tents in our backyard (One neighbor ran an extension cord from his house to his tent for a fan–genuis.) Ready or not we were going to sleep outside. (While setting up in the heat and humidity we were all questioning our decision!)

I bought all the fixings for s’mores and we enjoyed a campfire and roasting of the mallows. A dozen kids and almost as many adults gathered and shared stories and laughter and little bit of sticky mess. Thankfully the cool air entered and slowly the evening became more pleasant.

We finally got everyone settled and as they all drifted to sleep, my brain stayed awake and showed no signs of turning off.

The crinkle of the tent floor took me straight back to the many nights camping with my family. I felt the same coziness and excitement I felt on those trips as a kid. The anticipation of the next day and the happiness of doing something out of the ordinary took me back many years in my memories.

I stared through the top of the tent into the tree above, observing a glint of the moon casting light upon us. Of course I desperately wanted to be sleeping, but somehow all I could do was smile. I had found my peaceful spot, my happy place. Fresh air. A place to simply be with no distractions (besides a snoring child next to me).

Still. It was incredible to me how still the air was that night. Not much of a breeze and

Quiet. It was completely silent, aside from a few dog barks and sirens. When our air conditioner kicked on it reminded me I wasn’t in the woods!

The still, quiet night eventually lulled me to sleep and it was a peace I haven’t felt in a long time.

I awoke slowly, first hearing the earliest of the birds fighting over their breakfast, then the roar of motorcycles, most likely taking advantage of the cool morning. In my barely away consciousness, I almost believed they were the sound of boats going across the water and it felt as though I was truly camping! The sounds of the tents unzipping and kids laughing felt so familiar. And once our neighbor turned on his radio and began yelling, “anyone want pancakes?” I knew I really was camping.

That night I learned a lot about myself. I sometimes think that my ideal is the only way to fill a need…but that wasn’t the case on Friday. I also thought that no one else would have wanted to join in my desire to campout…but that wasn’t the case either. Sometimes your need can be filled in other ways than the ideal, and people want to help create something with you, even if it takes a little effort and sacrifice.

It was a magical night and something I needed more than I imagined.

All that was missing was a lake.

Maybe next time.

shoes

I was driving to my mom’s house yesterday and my eyes wandered to the sidewalk where an older man was taking a morning stroll. Normally I wouldn’t think twice about it and divert my brain to one of the million things I had just been thinking about. But this was different.

He was wearing white New Balance walking shoes.

Those are Dad’s shoes.

I wonder what those shoes would be doing if Dad were still around.

I immediately had flashbacks to memories of those shoes and the tears started flowing. It’s super fun driving with water falling down your face and kids asking why your face is wet.

Flashbacks—

to the full denim outfit he wore every time he coached my brother’s basketball team complete with those shoes.

To the green stains from mowing the lawn in order to keep the yard even with the neighbors’ because ‘Yard of the Month’.

To the crossed legs in the recliner while coaching the Royals or Chiefs through the TV.

To the daily walks around the block, reminding him to stay focused on walking in a straight line.

To the moments when the shoes were simply part of the outfit as we pushed him in the wheelchair through the Grand Canyon.

To the shoes that no longer had his feet to wear them.

This grief burst took me by surprise, as they most always do. I’ve found that it is often small things that trigger the tears, the memories, the pain, the smiles. It really is a range of emotion that can’t be described with words.

September is a tough month for my family as it marks the day Dad passed from this life. The days leading up to the 19th hold strong and vivid memories of the positive things we were able to do with the little time we had left, and of the heart wrenching moments we knew we had to endure.

As the day approaches my mind is clouded with the good the bad and the ugly of that experience seven years ago. I will never forget that day and how beautiful and horrible it was all at once. And how God can redeem all…because four years after his death, on the exact day, He gave us our baby Edith, one month before her due date.

So a day that I dreaded became a day I rejoice. For my father left this world prepared for the next, and my daughter entered this world ready to bring joy to my family. And that she has done.

This is not to say the day is completely void of sadness now. It holds a solemnity I make sure to honor. But as I make my daughter’s birthday cake and prepare her gifts I am reminded that as humans we can experience both sadness and joy simultaneously. It isn’t always one or the other, it can be both/and. Knowing this has helped me so much in my grief journey. Honoring all my feelings by letting myself feel them all as they come has led to immense healing.

I’m simply learning how to walk with grief beside me. Although I won’t be wearing white New Balance. Sorry, Dad.

**My prayer is for all those suffering a loss–that you find comfort and peace, that you may one day see light in the darkness, and that you may know joy, even if it is the smallest amount.

+In memory of my father, Kevin+

And a happy birthday to my #3, Edith.

the day the music came alive again

An episode of a show I watched recently has been stuck in my head for weeks. Usually I watch a show and it leaves as quickly as it came, but this episode was so surprisingly poignant it won’t leave me alone. I guess that means I have to write about it.

In Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist, the main character is preparing for her dad’s death from a degenerative illness throughout the season, and the time had come to say goodbye. I will not go into those details because I hope you decide to watch the show sometime to see how well they have dealt with such a difficult subject. Also, it hit so close to home with my own experience watching my dad slip away that I’ll spare myself the tears again for now.

The scene that struck me the most was the funeral. The premise of the show is the main character can hear people’s feelings through their singing of ‘heart songs’–without their knowing. The last scene of this episode was the entire cast ‘heart singing’ the song “American Pie” by Don McLean.

Now at first reading one might thing that is such a strange song for mourning, as I did. But it moved me more and more as I watched and as I pondered the song choice.

Turns out the song is centered around loss. Loss of a musician, Buddy Holly and loss of innocence of decades before, among other things. The most powerful line that hit me in a new way was “the day the music died.”

The day the music died.

Watching these characters mourn while listening to this song in a whole new context brought to the forefront of what has been a huge struggle for me since losing my dad.

That was the day the music died for me.

One of the main ways my dad and I bonded was through music. From his drumming jam sessions to Three Dog Night 8-tracks in our basement to his classical tympani strikes in the community band…music was a thread between us. And when dad left, it left me too.

Like most people who are grieving the loss of a loved one, I’ve been searching for ways to bring joy back into my life. It has been a long road full of reading, counseling, support groups, and prayer. I don’t have all the answers, but I did find one baby step.

I read a book called Your Blue Flame by Jennifer Fulwiler. She talks about how important it is to find what brings you alive, gives you energy, and brings good into the world. As I was reading I kept trying to figure out what my blue flame is and how big it was going to be.

When I finished the book all that came to me was, “take piano lessons.”

Great. That’s not very big. And pretty sure that’s not helping anyone. Let’s be real, do I have time for that? All. The. Excuses.

It seems small, but it is huge. By taking piano lessons I’m opening the door for the joy music brought me to come back in. It’s allowing for a connection I thought was lost forever to be found. So small, but terrifying at the same time. What if music was really gone from my life? What if I try and fail? Again, All. The. Excuses.

I bet you guessed already. I had my first piano lesson in about 20 years yesterday.

And I’m fairly certain I will remember it as the day the music came alive again. Oh I do hope so.

finding myself

Hey all–

I’ve been a huge fan of the TV show This is Us since it began three years ago. I was skeptical because it was supposedly a good replacement show for my previous favorite Parenthood, but really how could a show replace the Bravermans?

It has far surpassed my expectations and really has become a weekly grief therapy session without me realizing it most of the time.

Last week’s episode was one of those times.

The episode focused on a character’s backstory in which we find out she lost her father when she was a teenager. As an adult she goes to visit her mother, with whom she has a difficult relationship. As she walks through the living room she stops at her dad’s empty chair, thinking about some of her last reactions with him and how he told her to never forget about her dancing passion…and through tears she talks to the empty chair saying that she did forget that part of her. And the quote that stopped me was this.

“I can’t be me without you.”

That’s when the ugly crying and sobbing began.

[And here is where I hesitate to share this because I always fear that when I talk about crying and feeling sad that many readers will believe I’m stuck in my grief. How could I still be sad, it’s been five years? Well, in this episode it had been well over five years for that character and she was still crying and missing her dad. Guess what? It’s never over. Grieving the loss of someone you love with your whole being will never be over. It will get better, it will become less painful in some ways, but nothing can fill that void when that person is gone. And yes, I know they aren’t truly gone because their soul lives on. But their physical presence is gone, and as humans we need the physical to feel connected, so it takes a lot of time and effort to reestablish the connection with the ones we’ve lost. So please remember to have compassion with grievers and remember no one really knows what anyone is truly dealing with on the inside.]

I have been searching for years to figure out myself again after losing dad. Most things connected with my dad had lost their joy. I no longer wanted to watch sports because that was my thing with dad, camping had lost its luster, listening to music nearly ceased, and many things that made me uniquely me I unconsciously stopped believing were important.

So that statement rocked me to my core. I can’t be me without my dad. He was such a huge part of me that it feels almost impossible to be who I was meant to be without him around. I’ve now been asking myself how can I find ways to bring myself back again and be mindful of how I can bring pieces of Dad with me in that discovery.

I’m going to get the piano my dad bought the family a long time ago from my mom’s house and keep it at my house. I’m going to start playing again. I’m going to start writing music again. I’m going to use these things that bring me joy to hopefully continue rebuilding my relationship with him.

I was flipping through channels last night and found the movie Hoosiers playing. Oh man did I get a big smile on my face seeing Gene Hackman make those players run.

Dad loved any and all sports movies and this one was one of his favorites. I felt so close to him as I was watching and I’m thinking of starting to watch these movies when I’m needed to feel connected. Just like I want to start doing more with music.

To feel connected to him, but more importantly to find the parts of myself that I lost when I lost him.

edith

Today is Lady Edith’s name day! It’s her namesake’s feast day and I wanted to share a little more about how she got her name.  

St. Edith Stein wouldn’t leave me alone for the year prior to having our third baby. I found her quotes all over and I read about her in the book My Sisters the Saints. Her story of growing up Jewish, studying and writing about philosophy, converting to Catholicism, becoming a nun and then a martyr in a concentration camp is fascinating and inspiring. Her words speak to the value of women and the realness of life in faith. 

I felt called to name our baby after her but I didn’t love it at first. The night I went into labor I was reading about her again, and when I entered the birthing center I saw the name in huge letters above me. Part of the center was donated by an Edith. So then I was convinced. It literally was a sign! 

After welcoming our baby into the world my brother did some quick research which revealed that St. Edith is a patron of loss of parents. Did I mention my baby was born on the exact day I lost my dad four years prior? 

—————

She wouldn’t leave me alone. 

—————

So today we celebrate our Edith in hopes she will grow up to know her value as a woman with encouragement from St. Edith. 

lake

A place is more than its physical location. The way it makes you feel when you go there. The way it appeals to your senses. The way it taps in to memories and can bring them flooding back without your permission or preparation.

 

Going to Pommes de Terre lake for the summer was what my family did, sometimes with my dad’s parents, other times it was with more family or friends, but often it was just us. We went to the lake. And we camped. And we sweat. And we swam and fished and ate and napped and swam and fished and ate and napped. When I think of that place, those campsites on the lake, my heart warms and a smile is brought to my face.

 

Recently in counseling we were working on ‘grounding’ techniques. Ways to bring be back to reality when I need it. She asked me to picture a place of peace and serenity where I feel safe. I began to describe a campsite on the lake. Trees rustling in the breeze, sun peeking through the leaves and making them dance. Waves creating a symphony, with a percussive beat and crescendo. Smoke filling the air and I could taste the hotdogs roasting on the fire and even the one that fell into the fire smelled appetizing at that moment.

 

And then I felt an overwhelming presence. I started to cry and smile at the same time, a wave of bittersweet emotion crashing over me. I knew right then I was feeling Dad. He was there with me as I was recalling my favorite place.

 

Yes, I was only thinking of the physical place in this exercise, but I didn’t realize how much more was tied to it. That place is beautiful in itself, but what made it extraordinary was that is where I felt closest to my father. That place is where I felt peaceful, serene, and safe.

 

I’m reflecting on this right in the middle of my summer vacation at a lake. It is not the same lake we went to growing up, but there are so many things about it that have been triggering memories. Like the Army Corps of Engineer signs everywhere, which bring back our conversations about the dam and manmade lakes. Or watching my kids swim in the lake with their dad and I’m immediately swept back to me jumping off my dad’s legs or a large rock underwater. Or getting stuck in a storm under a marina boat dock and thinking back to the few storms we experienced while camping, riding out the storm in the bathhouse.

 

At times this week it has been difficult for me to be brought back to those memories, knowing I won’t get to share those with him the way I dreamed with my own kids. Of course I am grateful to have had such simple and precious moments with my dad. Sometimes missing him overshadows my logic.

 

I think I’ve just been surprised by how emotional being here is for me. I’m not even at the same lake, yet those memories transcend.

 

His presence transcends.

 

What a beautiful and comforting thought. Especially in my moments of sadness. To be reminded that I can still feel him. I can still remember him. And that I can share these memories with my kids and they can know him through what I experienced.

 

His legacy will continue. It’s up to me to figure out how to do it.

 

Please share with me in the comments a place that means more to you than its physical location. What makes it so special?

Photo taken on our drive down to Table Rock Lake in MO on Saturday.

day of fathers

Hello everyone. I’m writing from the driver’s seat of my van parked under a tree at a cemetery. I just spent about 20 minutes sitting in the bright sun absorbing the heat next to my dad’s gravesite. I brought a hot cup of coffee (how did I forget it was so hot out?) and a delicious sausage egg and cheese crossaint. My time was a mixture of tears, laughs, and pleasant smiles as my range of emotions played out while talking with Dad. 

This is not how I want to spend Father’s Day with my dad. I really want him to be attending the cookout his sister is hosting this evening. I want to hear his voice when I ask him about the Royals. I want to feel his hug when we say hello and goodbye. I want to see his sly grin and hear his laugh when wrestling with my kids on the floor. 

It does me a lot of good to think of these things, even though it’s sad and often very hard. It is good because I allow myself to feel what I need to feel. It is important to know that loss is not something that goes away with time. It is always there (which sucks…) and there will always be moments of sadness….but it becomes more manageable with time as life moves forward and new joys are found. I just have to make sure I allow myself to feel the reality of losing my dad so they don’t get surpressed and display themselves in other ways. 

Even though Father’s Day is a challenging day—it cannot be escaped because it is all around—I actually appreciate the time to allow myself to think about Dad, the good, the bad, the ugly, the sad. 

And remind myself that joy is right there too. 

If you’re missing your dad today, I’m praying for you. I hope you find a way to feel close to him today. Even if that means getting sunburned and overheated while visiting the cemetery. 😉

what i’ve been reading lately…

Hi friends!

I’ve been taking a break from blogging for a while. Mostly out of lack of time, but also assessing why I blog and if it’s something I should keep doing regularly.

In the meantime I’ve been reading some great books and I’d like to share them with you.

First up is The Four Agreements by Don Ruiz. This book has changed so much about how I perceive things in my daily life, I even have them posted in my bathroom to help me remember. The four agreements are as follows, and hopefully spark your interest to pick up the book!

1. Be impeccable with your word
2. Don’t take anything personally
3. Don’t make assumptions
4. Always do your best

Next is Boundaries by Henry Cloud. In this book I’ve been seeing how boundaries in all aspects of life can help me take care of myself better, and be able to love people more. I was also surprised that it included a lot of great parenting, workplace, and self-care advice. Here is a great video describing boundaries by Brene Brown.

Another one which has really touched me deeply is Healthy Healing by Michelle Steinke-Baumgard. She is the founder of One Fit Widow on Facebook and is a huge advocate for talking about grief openly and using exercise as a healthy coping tool. Her page and blog have helped me so much walking through my journey. The book has a nutrition and exercise plan to get started working out. I wish I could stay I’ve started…I’ll get there…but I highly recommend reading it, even if you’re not quite ready to jump into an exercise routine. Her words on grief are so worth it.

Other recommendations that are simply for fun, go see movie The Greatest Showman if you haven’t already. It will definitely put a smile on your face. And for a more thrilling film adventure,  Black Panther is a must.

Do you have any recommendations??

I hope all is well with you and thanks for reading!

 

last home game

This weekend was a busy one. Between three Thanksgivings, a football game, and a bridal shower for my future sister-in-law, I’m surprised I have energy to type tonight!

I talked about milestones in my last post, and yesterday was one of those big ones. My little brother’s (K) last home game in his college marching band. He has been a part of the band for five years, and it seems to have become a part of our family as well. I went to as many games as I could while living away and having babies (pumping at football games is quite an interesting experience!) but my mom and middle brother (Ke) went to almost all the games for five years.

It was probably the best game I’ve been to. Beautiful weather, competitive teams, and we won on the last play. The last play! It doesn’t really get more nerve wracking/exciting than that!

From the walk to the stadium, through the first half, I was thinking about how wonderful it is that K was able to have such an amazing experience with the band. Especially after such a rough start.

Dad passed away in the beginning of the first semester of his freshman year. He was deteriorating fast when we moved my brother in for band camp, and continued to get worse. We knew our time was limited and that we needed to make the most of the time we had.

Dad always wanted to see one of his kids march in a college marching band. (Ke and I both failed him.) So the band director, knowing of our situation, made it possible to get my mom, dad, and Ke to the first game of the season. I wasn’t there due to me living in another state so I don’t know all the details first hand…but through the efforts of many amazing people, Dad saw one of his kids march on a college football field.

During the halftime show yesterday I was in awe of the dedication, commitment, and talent it takes to be a part of such an incredible group. I also was blown away by the force of their sound! It was bittersweet knowing it was the last time I’d be able to say “my brother is in the band!”

Throughout the rest of the game my eyes were drawn to him in the band section, watching him do every chant and cheer with a huge smile. It was very apparent that he had really made a home for himself in that uniform, with those people. I felt like a proud mama watching her kid do what they love to do, thriving.

I couldn’t help but picture my dad decked out in purple sitting right next to the band soaking it all in. It is so hard knowing he didn’t get to fully experience being a college marching band parent. He would have loved every minute. (And bought every piece of merchandise.)

He was with us, though. On every two hour car ride. Every time the fight song was played. In every smile on K’s face. With every post-game Texas Roadhouse margarita.

I know this because every time my mom, Ke, or I went to a game, we represented Dad.

We get to carry him with us everywhere.

meeting papa

Well hello everyone…we meet again. It has been months upon months since I’ve even clicked on my blog page. I’m so glad to be writing tonight, I’ve missed it.

Yesterday I felt an inspiration to go visit Dad at the cemetery. I know my dad’s soul is free and isn’t at the cemetery, but there is something real and tangible about making the effort to drive to the gravesite, get out of my car, walk to his marker, and spend some concentrated, purposeful time talking to Dad. It makes the ritual lover inside me feel like I’m visiting him since I can’t physically do that anymore.

I took the three kiddos with me. G is so good about this and seems to enjoy going. M just likes all the open grass areas available for her little feet to attack. And this was E’s first time.

We all sat around Dad’s marker and I told him about my new baby and introduced her to him. It totally sucks it has to be this way. I envisioned him meeting all my kids in the hospital, not amongst stones. What is even harder is I really don’t know how he would be with them. It’s been so long since George was born to remember how he was, and the brain tumor had already started its damage at that time.

I am now at the point where I am experiencing things in my life that don’t have a string tied to dad. That makes it really difficult to know what he would do or say or think about these new situations. How would he play with the kids? What would he say about the marching band at the football game? What would he help with for my brother’s wedding?

In grief there is a lot of talk about how the firsts are the hardest. First birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas…but I’m realizing that there are many other events that are equally as hard. There are so many milestones in life that I pictured my dad experiencing with me. Now I, along with my family, am reaching these milestones without him.

This is just another step in the long journey of grief. It is not linear, nor time sensitive. There are good days, bad days, and some days that somehow fit in between. I know that it is ok to feel sad when these milestones occur…and it is also ok to feel joy with sadness.

As we left the cemetery we all waved goodbye to the gravesite and said we’d be back again soon. Things we’d say if we were visiting him on this side of heaven. Things he sees us doing from the other side.